I Know What It Feels Like to Think Eternity Would Be a Punishment

Hello Friend,

Why do I share my story? I asked myself this the other day. Why am I wanting to share this so much? It’s because it’s too good to keep to myself.

You see, I’ve been the person that sits in her bed, days on end, utterly depressed. I’ve known what it feels like to think Eternity would be a punishment. Who would want to live forever, feeling so hopeless and empty? I surely didn’t. I was just going through the motions of life, waiting for the quietness of the end to still my mind.

I know what it feels like to cry for reasons that even I can’t explain. It’s hard going through life feeling like something is wrong with you. It’s hard explaining feelings that others have never experienced. It’s hard putting words to feelings that make you feel ashamed for their existence in your mind.

I know what it feels like to struggle with conceiving. I know what it feels like to finally hold my child, a child that I just knew would fill that hole inside me. And I know what’s it like to realize that another hole just opened up. That emptiness continued to follow me, even as I was experiencing and receiving some of the biggest desires of my heart.

I know what it’s like to have a second child and to have a wave of depression hit you - harder than any depressive episode ever has. Postpartum depression almost stole my joy and memories of my children's earliest days.

I know what it’s like to be amid building a successful business, and at the same time feeling like there is no joy in it. The feeling of striving for something, but not really knowing your purpose, can leave you empty.

I know what it feels like to think I shouldn't even share these thoughts out loud, because am I crazy? Why would I share something so broken and sad about myself? Why wouldn't I just move on and forget about old, broken Heather? It's because redemption is a 2 act story line. 

14 months ago, I was utterly broken and depleted. We were in the middle of packing our home for a 15-hour move across the country, I was mothering 2 children under 2 amid the chaos of boxes and air mattresses, we were closing and moving our business and now sole income, and I was taking meds that had curbed my depressive thoughts, but in turn left me with absolutely no feelings. For an enneagram 4, that’s pretty life altering. During a time where I know I was my most broken and completely depleted of emotions, I did something radical for me. I believed in something because it was the only thing left to try. But I did believe, because I needed it to be true.

I wish I could tell you in person what happened on the morning of August 29, 2018, but I’ll attempt to paint a picture for you. I was sitting in my living room floor, surrounded by boxes, tons of junk that needing sorting, and my two little ones crying at the top of their lungs. I remember thinking, I can’t do this. I wanted to run away, but well, I’m not a quitter. Depression can’t steal that from me. So what was this radical moment that I've been building towards? I closed my eyes, tilted my head up, and simply whispered, “Help me.” Yep, that's all I did.

You guys, what happened next, well it still gives me chills. Our tv, which was also not working properly at the time, just started playing some Pandora station. A Green Day song came on, and I hadn’t even noticed how random it was that the music had started playing, due to our TV having lost its mind recently. Then the lyrics pierced through my cloudy thoughts, and my tears flowed. “I heard you crying loud, all the way across town. Cause you’ve been searching for that someone…”

It wasn’t just the song that made a difference, because when I opened my eyes, I truly believed that this moment was for me… this moment was for me to experience what I had always wanted. I was filled with an indescribable joy. That is such insufficient language for what I felt and continue to feel, but it’s just what happened. I never want to give myself credit for picking myself up off the floor that day – a changed person, because I know where that help came from. He brought a peace and rest to my heart that I didn’t know how to find.

Life hasn’t gotten easier, in fact, in many ways it’s gotten much harder. But I’d rather do life with the One who sought me out, who filled up all those holes that I couldn’t find, and who gives me a peace that I never knew was possible. Why would I want to go back to that emptiness from before? I choose to believe that there is something bigger out there that created me and truly loves me.

I don’t think of Eternity with dread anymore. I’m more like curious and gathering my questions – and I have my feelings back. I’m no longer searching for that missing piece, but when I do feel like I’m running on E, I know where to look. I want that for the people that feel like they are drowning. For those that FEEL those holes but can’t quite find the right thing to fill them up. I know where the right material is waiting. It’s inside you; you’ve just got to dig it up. When you’re ready to do the work, He’ll be waiting there with an extra shovel. 

Love, 
Heather